[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*