Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.