I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys