Gross if literal…Liverpool
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Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
$4 #usedbooks
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.