What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
πππ
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*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
If you didnβt need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasnβt greasy enough.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Netflix: We have Less
cop: youβre so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I donβt want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like βhey how are you today?β And she replies βDoing great, thanks for asking hereβs seven grand.β π°
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
My hair has officially hit βaccidentally dip in salad dressingβ length.
Ask me how I know.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid youβd say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
{Very hip bar at which I donβt want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.