I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
What the hell is going on?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.