I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
car not found
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.