I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
the #horror is real!
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.