Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
m’lady
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.