Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
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“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Planet of the Apps.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.