Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….