I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids