The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
A ghost story
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
True statement👍😏😁
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Breaking news:
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book