rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
This cat wants you to take your pills
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”