[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
channeling her this year
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?