If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.