Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I really had high hopes for this year though
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.