I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
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*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
That was easy.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin