[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache