My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.