the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
next level snooze
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.