you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?