People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun