carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
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I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya