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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.