Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
adam and eve had first world problems
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.