To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
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It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Pass gas, not judgment.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life