Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
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*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
All set.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*