Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The game has officially changed 😎
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Passed by a old school Math example today.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Potatoes were such a good idea
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.