i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT