I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.