why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
love pickles so much i put myself in one
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“We will wed,” I threatened
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”