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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.