I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
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I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Cannot stop laughing at this
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.