PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
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KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Squirrels before girls.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.