What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
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The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
this is the best interaction on twitter
Not even remotely sorry.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
No laws when master is gone
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?