me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer