My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No