This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”