I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up