*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.