My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Beware of the dog..
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.