Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode