roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away