[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
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Employees must applaud the planets.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Every photo I’m tagged in
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off