Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
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I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.