Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*