I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
She was REALLY feeling it.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.