THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.