I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!